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Thanksgiving is supposed to be a joyous occasion wherein relatives young and old gather ’round for an epic feast, convivial conversation, sports (if you’re into that), parades with accident-prone balloons, and general family togetherness. Some of the time, however, it’s a completely dysfunctional event from which you’d like to escape.

(Lest my family read this and assume I’m referring to them: I’m not. I swear. Really.)

For those of you with families less perfect than mine, here are a few tried-and-true tips to surviving the Thanksgiving holiday.

1. Swap the Wine for a Stronger Drink
Vino is typically the beverage of choice for the Thanksgiving dinner table, but if your relatives are driving you mad, you may need to opt for something with a bit more heft. My stronger sip recommendation: the aged 12 years Balvenie Doublewood, neat. Fill it up.

2. Corral the Relatives for a Classic Feel-Good Film
Quiet the squabbling for at least two full hours with a classic holiday-themed movie. Seasonal favorites include: Christmas Vacation, Home For the Holidays, Elf or one of Tim Allen’s greatest life accomplishments, The Santa Clause. (Note: Not responsible for any arguing that occurs over which film in the Clause franchise is superior.)

For longer stretches of quiet:Titanic or Gone With the Wind. Or all the Thanksgiving-themed episodes of Friends (Chandler’s least favorite holiday).

3. Offer to Cook a Side Dish
Nobody bothers the chef. If you want a few hours of uninterrupted peace, don your finest festive-looking apron and offer to whip up a side dish or two for the Thanksgiving meal. Keep it simple with something like this fall farro salad or creamy pumpkin penne, as this option can certainly backfire if you’re overly ambitious.

Heather Christo

4. Blame the Boss: Hide Away to “Work”
Vague references to projects, presentations, PowerPoints and other important office-y sounding buzzwords will always score you some alone time during contentious family gatherings. Stow away in a guest room with your laptop and “work,” which of course means browsing random sites while listening to T. Swift/T-Pain/FKA Twigs, reading gossip on Gawker, checking the sales on Steam in-between rounds of Dota 2, or preparing your Black Friday and CyberMonday attack plans.

5. Play a Non-Competitive Board Game
Avoid the following: Monopoly, Pictionary, Risk and any other board game where your extremely competitive sibling can accuse you of cheating. Go with one of these locally made games or the more-recent card game Pairs, where everyone is aiming to be a loser.

Pairs

Come to think of it, though, a competitive person can make just about anything competitive, so maybe it’s better to simply retire early with a “headache.”

And that Balvenie Doublewood.